NEW YORK, NY: Theatre Benefits are "Bring Your Own Falafel." (10/26/09)

By a happy series of coincidences, I ended up at a theatre benefit last night. The benefit was for The Actors Fund and was honoring the late great Frank Loesser (music and lyrics: Guys and Dolls, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, etc).

Not having any time before the event, I was delighted when my friend Nick brought me a falafel to eat in the lobby. Wasn't that lovely? It was a delicious falafel too. Like, so good it was distracting- so when I turned around and Annette Benning was sixteen inches in front of me and looking at me awkwardly, I realized it was because I had a falafel to my face. Surprise! Luckily I ran away in time for Barbara Walters to walk by. She doesn't strike me as the falafel type. Annette's cool though- legit.

The event was amazing- a perfect mix of ballads and booms. Paul McCartney was a highlight of the show. Lovely man- very charismatic... rather short, though- that surprised me. He sang "On a Slow Boat to China," which is about a man who likes a woman. The woman is a little slow to thaw, so he predicts that if he got her on a slow boat to China (with him), she might love him by the time they disembark. I don't know about that. I mean- what if she gets seasick? She would hate him before they even left the mooring. Another favorite number was "Junkman," sung by Debbie Gravitte. "Junk man" is about a woman whose man cheated on her, so she sings about breaking him in half and giving him to the junk man with the rest of her garbage. A little intense, but Ms. Gravitte was SO sassy and hysterical.

As wonderful as these songs were, it got better. John Stamos came on to do something from "How to Succeed in Business..." All the feelings I had when I was 7 years old came flooding back. I realized I had never really stopped loving him. Let me tell you- Uncle Jesse's still got it. And he can sing AND dance. I need a cold compress or something- that man can wear a suit...

However FAR AND AWAY the best part of the night was when a muppet named Abby Cadabby came onstage. She was SO excited to be on Broadway- as she should be- it's quite an accomplishment! She was charming the crowd when OUT OF THE BLUE (quite literally) she was joined by none other than GROVER AND COOKIE MONSTER! I'M NOT KIDDING. AND IT WAS OLD SCHOOL COOKIE MONSTER TOO, HE WASN'T TALKING ABOUT VEGETABLES! HE WAS DEMANDING COOKIES! The trio sang a lovely songcalled "Inchworm," which is about stopping to appreciate the things around you. Well, when you are being serenaded by your two bluest friends from childhood, it's hard to NOT appreciate the things around you! The song was the loveliest part of the evening- heartwarming, sincere, dynamic, and smart, everything wonderful. Delicious.

The event was marvelous. The Actors Fund does such tremendous work to help struggling people in the theatre (not just actors- everyone), between providing health insurance, to temporary housing, to emotional support. Artists are too important to let starve. To help The Actors Fund reach their $12.5M goal, please visit www.actorsfund.org.



Images courtesy of www.wikipedia.org.

NEW YORK, NY: The Hot Trotty: A New Take on a Southern Classic (10/21/09)

I am a Modern Woman with Modern Sensibilities and a Modern sense of justice and equality. However, sometime in the womb, when my DNA was creating all of this Modern stuff (read: mostly eccentric stubborness), it got all tuckered out, and left no room for my physical life to be able to adapt to this modern world. Somehow, I ended up with the constitution of a frail, Victorian woman. I am often sick, and every Autumn, sissies like me are beset with colds, flus, etc. Searching for a funner sick remedy than Tylenol and NyQuil, I researched the homeopathic standby: The Hot Totty.

The Hot Totty is a classic cold remedy made of black tea, scotch, honey, and lemon juice. However, I do not drink scotch. It brings back too many memories of childhood in Connecticut. Instead, I have bourbon. Bourbon is delicious and I love it. My favorite preparation of bourbon is in a glass. My second favorite is a Mint Julep. Well. I have bourbon. I have peppermint tea. I have a party. The drink is almost a Hot Totty, only more Mint Julep-y. In honor of the horsies in the Derby, I dub this drink "The Hot Trotty."

To enjoy your own (and believe me, you will):

1) Get hot water into a mug. (Preferably this mug will be southern-themed. For my purposes, I used my GRITS mug- which stands for Girls Raised In The South. Although I was not, I am southern at heart, sometimes...)

2) Allow tea to steep for a shorter amount of time than you normally would.

3) 1/2 teaspoon of honey (Honey, honey's good for fighting nasty bacteria and coats a sore throat. You can do a whole teaspoon of honey- but this was too sweet for me- we're not THAT southern.)

4) Squirt of lemon juice. (This helps to cut the sweetness of both the honey and the maple in the bourbon, and also has soothing properties for a sore throat).

5) Pour bourbon. (Recommended dose is 1 shot, I just say fill the mug up the rest of the way- this depends on how much water you put in to begin with.)

6) Enjoy, y'all!

I feel better already!

NEW YORK, NY: Playing Monopoly with Your Genes: Not All Fun and Games. (10/20/09)

Here's an (un)fun fact: Did you know you can patent a gene? A gene- something found in nature, not invented by humans- you can patent that. Now, you may be scratching your head saying, "But gee, I thought patents were only for things like inventions." Well, the United States agrees with you- and recognizes this distinction between inventions and naturally occurring parts of nature. For example- you cannot patent oxygen. Can't do it. However- for almost two decades, the US Patent and Trademark Office (PTO) has allowed patents on human genes, something I did not know before going to an ACLU viewing and panel discussion of the film "In the Family."

How can this be bad? It's just a patent. Well, let's break it down in terms of two common killers: breast and ovarian cancers. In 1990, Mary-Claire King of University of Washington discovered the gene mutations BRCA1 and BRCA2. Everyone has these genes, they're on the 17th chromosome. However, individuals with mutations on these genes have- pay attention- an almost 90% risk of developing breast cancer, and 60% risk of developing ovarian cancer.

Dr. King discovered these mutations, but where they existed in genetic sequencing remained unknown. A competition began between research labs, with Myriad Genetics in Utah discovering where in the sequence this gene falls. Lax biotech procedures in the PTO resulted in a patent. Myriad has been one of the first pharmaceutical companies to actually enforce a patent on a gene.

Pharmaceutical companies differ from scientists in this respect. Scientists often discover and publish, not patent. Or, if patented, leave the patent open so that other scientists are free to research the gene, develop treatments, and just plain look at the gene. Royalty checks are negligible.

Under Myriad's patent, nobody but Myriad is allowed to research, develop or look at the gene without paying a substantial patent fee. Doctors receive cease and desist orders if they are discovered, because Myriad owns the rights to the gene. In short, as soon as the blood is drawn out of your body- you forfeit your rights to your BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes. What's more- this is the case with 20% of your body's genes. 1/5th of your body is copyrighted by someone else- not the process of isolating them, not any treatment, the actual gene.

Per PTO protocol, the patent clerk who approved this complicated patent had, like all other patent requests, 18 hours to review this submission. 18 hours to wrangle hundreds of pages representing years of genetic research is awarded the same amount of review as the "ShamWow." The turnaround time is so quick because the PTO operates on the money made from patent submissions and renewals.

Here's where this comes down to you and me.

At the time of this discovery in 1994, to be fully tested for this gene mutation was $1,600. However, with the prospects and promises of future science, the cost was justified by saying it would go down once we had better technology. Fifteen years of technological advance later, the laboratory cost to perform this test is $400-$600, yet the commercial cost to patients is up to $3,800 (633% higher than operational cost). To put this in perspective, to map the entire human genome costs $4,000; the test through Myriad is only on two genes: BRCA1 and BRCA2.

Not everyone needs to be tested. Those of us who should be tested have high incidences of breast and ovarian cancers in our families, as this gene is hereditary. Groups most often genetically predisposed to this mutation include Ashkenazi Jews. Yet women without these indicators which point to this mutation are still being tested for this, at a profit to Myriad.

Myriad Genetics (with their myriad dollars) has undertaken a PR campaign. Ads are targeted towards upper middle class women- encouraging them to get the test without seeking advice from a genetic counselor and without further information on risk. Most women do not have this gene mutation- and this test is costly and irrelevant for those with no risk factors. The campaign, in targeting women in a certain wealth bracket, also neglects an upfront number for the cost- which is often paid by the patient as many insurance plans do not cover the test.

The monopoly on genetics (and insurance company apathy) has made tests costly. Most women at risk remain untested for BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutations. As a result, there is too little research to provide definitive answers for those who are tested within certain groups: including African American, Hispanic, and Asian American women- there's just not a big enough pool of tested women within these groups to draw conclusions in the gene test. Results are often inconclusive. This commercial, socio-economical, and elitist take on healthcare curtails the possibility of preventative measures like bilateral mastectomies, bilateral profilactic mastectomies, and telling your daughter, "hey- you may have this too."

The ACLU has filed a lawsuit against the holder of the patent, Myriad Genetics, as well as the US Patent and Trademark Office. The presence of these patents is a violation of the most fundamental of civil rights. Part of your body is patented by someone else and you do not have a right to it. At the ACLU panel tonight, someone asked if you can just sue a part of the government. To this, a lawyer on the suit said "Well, the ACLU sues the government all the time so...yes."

So what do we do? Write to your congress-people. Tell everyone you know. Tell your mom, your sister, your friend. Tell your brother. Men carry this gene too, can develop breast cancer- and what's more- can still pass this mutation on to their kids. We all stand to gain by the patent being revoked. This will make important medical treatment available to everyone who needs it.

"To realize full promise of the research, raw fundamental data on the human genome including the human DNA sequence and its variations, should be made freely available to scientists everywhere...We must ensure that the profits of human genome research are measured not in dollars but in the betterment of human life."

- March 14, 2000 joint statement by President Bill Clinton and Prime Minister Tony Blair, in honor of the Human Genome Project.

"In the Family" will stream free online through 10/30/09- please visit http://www.pbs.org/pov/inthefamily. Watch it. For more information on the ACLU lawsuit please visit www.aclu.org/brca. Images courtesy of www.wikipedia.org.

NEW YORK, NY: "Too much bling? No such thing." (10/19/09)

There comes a point in my workday when the presence of something shiny alleviates the turmoil of routine. Sometimes this shiny thing is a drink, sometimes cake or even a rousing game of ping pong. Very seldom though (like, never), is it the rarest of all shiny things: diamonds…

I am not a jewelry person per se- I live in fear that I will lose something. Sadly, this is strongly supported by precedent. I'm a t-shirt+jeans=4lyf kind of girl. However, last night Mont Blanc previewed an haute couture jewelry collection at an event benefitting Unicef. Really- how could I say no to the children?...

The owners of the Upper East Side home threw open their doors to friends and rock-lovers of all creeds (actually- just mostly Germans). As a benefit for Unicef, Mont Blanc brought in samplings from three lines in their new Haute Couture Joaillerie Collection (We were allowed to try everything on!). One line included a black jade and diamond piece intricately woven together in a snakelike necklace. Another collection represented the seasons, and focused on a set of rings in the shape of the Mont Blanc star, with seasonal gemstones inset in the metal. My favorite was the summer ring, which included alternating pave cut rubies and pink sapphires set in pink gold. Surprisingly, this was understated at only 3mm wide.

This was a wonderful event to introduce people to a new endeavor. Mont Blanc, known for making pens and watches, has created a surprisingly delicate jewelry line over the past two years, with innovative artists in their workshops. For example, with the seasonal rings- the Mont Blanc star shape can be a little overwhelming, especially with the rich metals used in the design. However, the gemstone inlay is so dainty, it’s a mark to both the design and the craftsmanship that two styles are blended this way. As an added bonus, given that they so seldom work with antique stones- all diamonds and other gems are guaranteed certified “conflict free.” As their staple jewelry line, I look forward to seeing their future projects.

Eventually Mont Blanc called our attention to the pièce de résistance, the Lumière.

The Lumière is a necklace comprised of over 3,000 diamonds delicately bound together so that you cannot see the white gold connecting them. It looks like a long string of freezer burn. At the center of the necklace is an 11.88 carat DIF diamond; this means it’s flawless. This diamond is one of a kind, with 43 facets, cut in the shape of the Mont Blanc star. The necklace is from the Étoile de Mont Blanc Haute Joaillerie Collection, and retails for $4.9M. Amazingly, the folks at Mont Blanc let us try this on as well! I wouldn’t put it on until I could get a picture with it for my mom… I did. (Sadly, though I was beaming on the inside, I had to smile sans teeth because they were purple from all the red wine... way to go, Megan.)

A lovely sparkly night was made even more so by this lovely sparkly event. The guests were refreshingly down to earth, and present due to their genuine interest in the art of jewelry making, and in Unicef’s mission to promote worldwide literacy and educational opportunities for children. Hopefully my short moment in the sun with such a gorgeous string of rocks will help in a small way to teach a child to read, lift communities, and defeat global poverty- so we can all try on some bling like this. (I wouldn't mind if one of these children grew up to read TOOS, either...)

(Sidenote: I also sampled every hor d’oeuvre that came through the door. Happily, there were no buttery mini quiches, just fresh and innovative takes on sushi classics. These went delightfully with the champagne and wine offered at the door.)

For information on Unicef please visit www.unicef.org. For information on Mont Blanc please visit www.montblanc.com

NEW YORK, NY: My Life in a Champagne Supernova (Tuesdays 7pm-midnight)

Isn’t it marvelous? Every Tuesday from 7-12, the aptly named Superdive swabs its decks with New York’s unwashed masses of thrifty drunks. Advertising bottomless champagne served out of a bathtub and uncorked by a little pirate with a saber, $20 buys your ticket to five hours of glory. They even throw in a nifty hand stamp!

My first experience in the Supernova of champagne was on 29 September, 2009, a day which will live in –famy. The place was decked out like New Year’s Eve. White and black balloons bedazzled the ceiling. A claw foot bathtub was stationed near the entrance of the bar, full of ice and three varieties of cheap champagne. A man dressed as a pirate made rounds, refilling empty glasses. (Unfortunately, he did not open any bottles with a saber. He is still in training. The last I checked, he had worked his way up to a machete.)

Caroline and I perched ourselves at the bar, befriending the bartenders and chatting up the crowd. The role of Social Libation Liaisons suited us well, and allowed us to meet a beautiful crowd of tourists, professionals, and artists.

Karen and her boyfriend (backpackers, Norway) delighted in the event, and said this was the best time they had had in New York thus far. They even went so far as to say the awesomeness of the night proves that Americans are vastly underestimated in the international community. Amanda (young professional, New York) particularly enjoyed how the ads on Urban Daddy had brought an eclectic, yet harmonious mix of people to the dive. Madjid (doctor, Germany) was heartened that his whim to stop in at the bar provided such an exceptional way to spend a Tuesday night. And indeed it was. The company, like the champagne, was bright and bubbly and went straight to my head.

The predetermined five hours is a long time (in the bar world) to serve serve bottomless champagne. The good doctor tied a balloon around my wrist, and the party disbursed with champagne on our brains and bubbles in our hearts.

I marvelled in being part of the Inaugural pour at Champagne Supernova at Superdive. The following Tuesday, I returned to the swirl of swill. The minute I arrived, the bartenders yelled my name, and gave me high fives. Whatever happened the week before is worth Wednesdays getting so much worse.

Superdive is located on Avenue A between 12th and 13th Streets. Keg service with consultation is available by calling ahead at 646.448.4854. Best nights to go are Tuesday 7-12, and Thurs-Sat after 10pm. Cash only. Tip your bartenders.

For information on the event visit: http://www.urbandaddy.com/nyc/nightlife/7362/Champagne_Tuesdays_Champagne_Tuesdays_at_Superdive_New_York_City_NYC_East_Village. Images courtesy of www.wikipedia.org

NEW YORK, NY: "The Shovel" (10/02/09)

This is my roommate, Caro. She is very strong. This is a picture of her breaking a punching machine because she hit it so hard. Hit it, Caro.

Caroline has stupid abs. She also likes to give herself Martha Washington hair and go for night swims. Swim, Caro.

Caro is a very good driver. This makes her happy. Drive, Caro.

Sometimes when we roll down hills we get the giggles. Roll, Caro.

Nobody messes with Caro. She can be very tough when provoked. Strike, Caro.

Caro is lovely. One day she will make a man very happy. He will not be a statue. Love, Caro.

Yesterday, I was sad. Before I could say anything, Caro went to the liquor store, baked me brownies, bought me ice cream, and assembled a collection of chick flicks to choose from. And when I couldn't take anymore crying and estrogen, Caro shoveled me off the floor and sent me on my way. She also made sure everything I wore matched and didn't have tags sticking out.

Although we are very different people, Caroline knows when I’m in need. She knows how neurotic I am and likes me anyway. I love Caro. Win, Caro.

NEW YORK, NY: "Permanent Salutations and Warm Cinnamon Buns to you" (10/01/09)

I've gotten in trouble at work for being a little casual/enthusiastic in my emails. I feel like, with the example this guy sets, I have something to which I may aspire.

(Emails courtesy http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/, image courtesy www.wikipedia.org)

From: reto.*****@****.ch
Subject: 1966 A-code Mustang GT in show-ready condition
To: info@******.com
Date: Wednesday, July 1, 2009, 8:59 AM

Hello I am interested in this 1966 Mustang GT convertible. Send me please detail photo of the vehicle on the email reto.*****@****.ch
Is the car accident free? Numbers Matching? Detail photo of the engine and transmission as well as of the axles. Does air conditioning system have? Thank you

Von: Doug
Gesendet: Mittwoch, 1. Juli 2009 18:46
An: Schläpfer Reto
Betreff: Re: 1966 A-code Mustang GT in show-ready condition

Hi, Mobi,

I can assure you with many confidences this vehicle meets all rules of excellency and is very reliable car to show. I can send many detailed pictures upon your permissions to show how beauty and fun car will be for you. I require 400 lbs sterlings oranges in payments up front, with full delivery prices included in price. You will not be in not love with this really not unlovable vehicle I can promise. For only 400 lbs magnets sterlings oranges silver you can own this car clear and frees. You can reach me by emailing me at: forehead.magnets.plates.skulls@unnecessarysurgery.dr. I look happy to receive your reply at an earlier yesterday.

Yours in true honesty and reciprocatedness,

Maglio FattSac

From: reto.******@***.ch
Subject: AW: 1966 A-code Mustang GT in show-ready condition
To: “Doug”
Date: Thursday, July 2, 2009, 12:58 AM

Good mornings,
Please send me detail photos of the engine, transmission, axles and the under ground on this email address. If everything in order is buys I this Mustang. How much does HP have this engine?
Is the car accident free? Numbers Matching? Does air conditioning system have?
Please answer my questions. I expect gladly the detail photos.

Thank you

Greets Reto

Permanent salutations and warm cinnamon buns to you, Mobi!

Please to forgive my latent mustaches as I spent the entire 4 yesterdays having a custom turbin mounted to by nogginnessness. I shall replies with ardent fervor as to the ongoingness of our binding contracteds.

I rush answers to inside your now questions:

1) This mustang of beautiful powerful is very. It is rated at 250 HPs, better to say as “horse phalluses.” To you means that goezit hardly slow, and stops for pretty girl horses that have gasoline in their farts. Ooooooh buddy! You will love her long time.

2) The car does not have some accidents, but I have to charge you an extra 50 lbs magnets/dresses/used motors oil/silver/goblets if you need me to wreck up the car for you first. I don’t like that. Sad to me it makes.

3) This numbers all same matching, but you can taste them yourselves when you see car in people. I like to emboss my words with rotary republic and flied lice if you wish.

4) Air conditioning system she did get divorced from high horse phallus Mustang too many moon units ago. To install new one that eats hot airs is no problemo for new $25 metal plates/pocket fuzz/apple cider/monies/buckets (sterlings). You have like nice air conditionings, Mobi? I do. But my peepee go shrinky doodle when too cold it gets.

For to send multiply pictures of undergrounds is fatt. You like to see what I sends, never not dislove this lovey dovey wovey shovey.

I will eat some Greets Reto, too, Mobi! It’s yummy! I smell sideways to the next talks we constipate over Mustangs. Perhaps I can poop a valve cover into our emails.

Sparingly Sarcastic Anon,

Maglio Fattsac