All season, we've been recounting the things that make the holidays as special as they are. Now that the ordeal is almost over (we still have New Year's...), It's time for my final submission of the most egregious displays of holiday spirit. So far we have reviewed the Radio City Christmas Tree and Spectacular, the Rockefellar Center Christmas Tree, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and the Affinia Hotel in Herald Square. Before we pack away all the ornaments into specially wrapped Pandora's boxes and smother our hurt feelings and excessive, though not surprising, weight gain under a frenetic New Year's resolution, I'd like to take this last moment to tell the holiday season to kiss it... right under the mistletoe.
The final submission in this Santa Smackdown involves my favorite things about the holidays: dysfunction, distilleries, and detectives. It has beat out other such favorites as Christmas trees decorated with Hannukah ornaments (I've never seen a menorah under the mistletoe- that's all I have to say about that one), drunken holiday parties where things go "too far", and children (in general). Without further ado, I give you the final submission of the holiday contest:
The Cops Show Up
This was one of my favorite parts about the movie "Christmas Vacation," mainly because it fit in so nicely with the farce of the Tannenbaum Tale. I mean, as long as you don't kidnap a major dude on Christmas, why would the cops show up?
Well, as I recently recounted, the cops came to my family's Christmas celebration even though they were not invited (this is very rude). They marched right up onto the deck and knocked on the glass kitchen door. They said they were sitting on the road and heard gunshots. When the lead cop (we'll call him "Beta", because he's just shy of having the cahones of an Alpha) saw our incredulous expressions he changed his story. "Well, actually, one of the neighbors called." After four champagnes and a bottomless Dark & Stormy, my very limited legal training compelled me to ask Beta to look at my arms, and decide for himself whether I could throw a snowball so hard that it sounded like a gunshot. He and his partner became bashful and left after sitting in our driveway for a further fifteen minutes and tagging everyone's license plates. For the record, there were no gunshots, no arrests, no phone calls from the neighbors, and no love lost between my ever so wasp-y family and the poh poh.
Now do not get the wrong impression, I love the police. I have always had positive experiences both in Connecticut and in New York. In fact, I am oh so happy to see them when I get off the subway at night. In fact, I've been contemplating writing a few "please come back" letters due to the fact that they no longer hang out in my hood (budget cuts), and have thus missed the excitement of drug-related violence in the surrounding area. I really do miss them and I feel safer when they are around.
However, when a couple of officers (not to be mistaken for gentlemen) found themselves with not a lot to do on Christmas night and admitted to making up a story in my future stepfather's doorway, I was discouraged. I grant that there's probably not a lot going on in this particular town in Connecticut, what with the beheading this department has yet to solve (true story). But that's no reason to turn around and get all scrooge-y on a family event.
The police did not even show up with a host-gift, or a bottle of wine. For crying out loud, they weren't even cute enough to drag under the mistletoe. This kind of imposition is just "not done". However, it did provide the galvanizing force to bring my family together. After all, this will live in our memories forever, as the first Christmas we hazed my mother's future husband, by having the police show up.
And there you have it. I encourage you to discuss your own holiday traditions, stories, bookings, and decide which you think should rule the roost of Nefarious Noels. Take a minute and vote!
Image courtesy of http://www.scene-stealers.com
No comments:
Post a Comment