On Why Learning to Repair Dog Toys Will Prevent the Robot Uprising

Darcy has a friend named Clifford. By “friend” I mean he’s a stuffed dog with a squeak in the snoot and another in the butt. The squeak in the butt sounds more like a mid-pitched whine

Clifford came home with me because Darcy had disemboweled her old friend, Cow. (It was an accident, she felt terrible, we’re trying to move on.) Maybe it’s the tragic circumstances under which Cow was de-friended, maybe it’s because my dog is shy, but Darcy has taken quite a while to warm up to Clifford. She’ll play, but there has been no respect or cuddling in this relationship.

Then today, I woke up from a nap in the usual way- to Darcy licking my mouth with the same kisser that licks her own butt. I opened my eyes to say “Thank you, that’s enough, creeper,” and found, to my surprise, Clifford was on the bed, too. And what’s more- they were spooning!

I thought to myself, “Oh good! Darcy’s made a friend!... Wait a minute… What brought this about?...” As I looked at my dog, who had turned to licking Clifford, placing Clifford comfortably in the 3-part spoon we formed, resting her head on Clifford, I noticed it. Right there, in the back of his head, white cotton/polyester stuffing peeking out. My mind began racing.

Was my dog a killer? She bit him right in the back of the head, execution style. Did this mean she got inside Clifford’s head, and found his thoughts both agreeable and delicious? Zombies eat brains. They’re so cute cuddling. Darcy and Clifford, not Zombies. Zombies are not cute- robots would totally win in a street fight. Maybe I could sew Clifford back together, even though sewing is dangerous. Would I be willing to risk injury for a dog toy? Nah- I'll just take it to the tailor.

And here’s where my problem with the immigration debate comes in. Home Economics used to be a standard class in high schools around the country. Contrary to revisionists of American History and the role of feminism, the purpose of “Home Ec” was not to subjugate women or breed a generation of fembot housewives. The purpose of Home Economics was to teach people of a certain age how to survive on their own. Hemming a piece of clothing, chopping an onion without crying (wear goggles- thanks, Lisa Turtle), and ironing without burning the house down- are necessary life skills. Without them, we are completely dependent on the labor of others.

I lack the knowledge to survive on my own. Left to my own devices, I would devolve into a state of housekeeping that used staplers to hem skirts (thanks, mom), duct tape to hang curtains, and food that only requires a microwave. My life depends on the cheap labor of immigrants. They are forced by a dearth of paths to citizenship to take jobs that require sewing a dog toy.

Now, what caused my current quandary of being a completely incompetent 20-something- the feminist and budgetary crusades that virtually ended Home Economics, or the influx of immigrants that made the class obsolete? I do not think it’s a coincidence that we saw an influx of border-crossers at a time when we needed them most.

So here is my proposal for our current immigration debate:

1) Bring back Home Economics.

If we learn at a formative age the principles of self-maintenance, we will not turn to illegal labor to complete menial tasks. Driving down wages and relegating work we think we are “above” has not allowed our society or technology to flourish. It has just created unrest in disadvantaged communities, discord in international trade, and an economic collapse- given that a whole generation did not learn how to balance a personal budget in Home Ec, and bought things they could not afford, from neighbors they could not trust (not naming names, G. Sachs). This is to say nothing of the inability to write a thank you note.

2) Give our immigrant labor force an easier path to citizenship.

Being a citizen is hard. Becoming a citizen should not be the most difficult part. Our population is going to diversify no matter what. Thank God. Our society and economy is parched with the need for a renaissance of ideas. It’s best it diversify with a group of people who feel they have a stake in the direction of the country. People with a stake in the country will fight against the robot uprising, when it comes.

3) Make sewing less dangerous.

What purpose do thimbles serve? They cover one part of one finger. What about the danger to the rest of your body and any innocent bystanders? That’s crap.

Support immigration reform. It’s the only way I’ll learn to fix my dog’s toy.