FORT BRAGG, NC: “Now is Not the Time to Start a Gender Battle.” 7/27/09-7/29/09

The train ride to Fort Bragg is 6 hours long. This is a long journeythat requires extensive provisions like bourbon flasks, miniature bottles of wine and m&ms. These purchases get you funny looks at 9am, but look more normal around noon- at noon it’s positively adorable.

By the time we got to Fayetteville, NC (where the fort is), we were adorable, but the weather was not, so GI Joe packed us in and took us on a tour of the area before the rain got worse.

GI Joe is not his real name, but it’s funner to say and probably helps me remember who he is better than his real name (jokes). Sean (before he was GI Joe) and I were in “The Crucible” together in college before he left to go join the army… something about “freedom” and “bad guys” or whatever. Personally I think he joined so he could teach me how to shoot.

Here are some fun facts about Fort Bragg:
1) It is not placed on a precipice surrounded by stone walls.
2) It’s basically like summer camp with a couple of differences. You can canoe, play polo, and do karaoke, but they will NOT let you jump out of a plane (even with a parachute) if you are a civilian, so don’t bother asking… it just makes them laugh…

After introducing us to a very large statue named “Iron Mike” and very large planes at Pope AFB (Caroline ran around with her arms spread pretending to be a plane, but decided that making the airplane noises was beneath her dignity), GI Joe took us shopping to acquire the basics like cake mix and Kevlar gloves.

At dinner, I think GI Joe began to realize what a hurricane his little whim of inviting us down would turn out to be, because we were best friends with the waiter before the first course and had already given each other nicknames. Caroline and I are basically popular everywhere. This was followed by Caroline dominating the pool tables at ITS, a Nascar bar behind the train tracks. GI Joe tried his best, but didn’t stand a chance against Caroline, who can actually play, and me, who can not, but who cheats shamelessly.

The next morning, Caroline and I invented “Army Tennis”- if it doesn’t go over the fence, the ball is still in play. The soldiers walking by were big fans, and I think they’ll adopt “Army Rules” next time they play, but the Army wives were more suspicious.

After a sweaty 20 mins in a stay-in-the-car-no-AC-car-wash, Caroline kind of lost her mind in need of the AC, so I ran to the Wal Mart for provisions like milk and water balloons.

Wal Mart is about 5 minutes away down a straight road. I was lost for two hours when GI Joe called and asked me to pick him up as he was done with work...

Driving on to an army base is complicated. First I went in the wrong entrance and they had to stop traffic so I could turn around and go back to the civilian part. When I finally got there they asked for my license and tags. Do you know what tags are? I didn’t- so I handed every single piece of paper in the car to the guard, which got a little bit awkward when we got to the parking ticket in GI Joe’s glove compartment. Apparently “tags” is secret army code for registration- they should just say that.

GI Joe was a little angry when he found out I was detained, but I was having a marvelous time! The guard and I were joking about how I was the only troublemaker of the day (the army now has a file on me- this is true), and the MP (military policeman), who I nicknamed Captain America, generously insisted on escorting me to GI Joe’s workplace. I told him this was wonderful as I was probably going to get lost anyway since I’d already been lost for two hours that afternoon- and how could I turn down my first police/military escort?! He laughed. When he finally got me there I asked him where he was when I was looking for Wal Mart for two hours. He told me he wasn’t on duty yet but to give him a call next time. I did not realize this was a pick up line until later.

In compensation for my “troubles” (I was soooo upset by all that undivided attention…) GI Joe bought a round of the biggest cherry limeades I have ever seen from Sonic. This was my first trip to Sonic, which is a drive-in like in the Flintstones. It is pronounced “Sonique,” and it is amazing.

We picked up Caro, who, with Harley the dog, had made the most delicious cake ever in my absence, and we all went to the shooting range. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be allowed but GI Joe promised “You’re not coming to Fort Bragg and not shooting anything.” He was a marvelous instructor and took us through all the safety features and what to do (Caroline decided to cautiously observe and provide moral support rather than shoot). I am told I did very well (I got a bullseye!!!!!). My target’s name was Henry. Henry got what was coming. I named GI Joe’s target Phillip. GI Joe is a good shot, but when he let me get a few, it was me who capped Phillip twice in the head… just saying… Apparently I am a “killing machine.” I guess it runs in the family- thanks, Mom.

After dinner I learned how to hip toss, head-butt 5 different ways, deflect knife attacks, and stuff about cigars. Caroline was going to take pictures but I asked not to have photographic evidence of me getting my ass kicked, which did not actually happen as GI Joe is a gentleman, and I think got a little uncomfortable when I kept flinching- which is a natural reaction when you grow up with boys and not actually an indication of mistrust of your instructor, but whatevs.

The next day saw a successful 4:55 am wake up call for the guy who said waking him up couldn’t be done because “I’ve slept on helicopter pads.” Nein! I learned from the best- (my college roommates), and nothing is a better wake up than turning all the lights on and singing “Good morning, Starshine!” at the top of your voice. Effective AND marvelous. Caroline thought so too, she couldn’t stop laughing. I think the army should adopt our methods, seeing that they are so effective.

This time we were not trusted with the car, and were left to our own devices at home, where we made friends at the pool, and then built a fort in GI Joe’s room.

He got out of work early and we all went to the Wa-Ho (Waffle House) for lunch, followed by a tour of the home built by Edgar Allen Poe. Did you know that’s a really common name? Yeah, you go in and they tell you “No, not the writer, the other one- the businessman nobody knows about.” The tour was educational, however. And even though Poe’s daughter had more stuff, the son had the bigger room. When I vociferously objected to this, the already awkward tour guide stammered and GI Joe suggested, “This is not the time to start a gender battle.”

We ducked out of the tour early and headed to historic Fayetteville for $2 beers (this was the regular price, not happy hour- I love the south).

GI Joe then dropped us at the train and went home to recover from the 48 hour Hurricane- during which he was the most gracious, good host we could've asked for at Fort Bragg.

Amtrak was 2 hours late.

Stay tuned tomorrow for Volume 1 Issue 3, First Ed: CHARLESTON, SC: “Just walkin’ mah bird.”