SAVANNAH, GA: “What’d ya do, crap your shirt?” (07/31/09-08/03/09)

"We have a saying: If you go to Atlanta, the first question people ask
you is, 'What's your business?' In Macon they ask, 'Where do you go to church?' In Augusta they ask your grandmother's maiden name. But in
Savannah the first question people ask you is 'What would you like to drink?'"
- Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, John Berendt
Clearly, Savannah and I were meant to be together from the start.

Here are some fun facts about Savannah (some may have fuzzy origins):
1) The city, laid out by James Edward Oglethorpe, was designed beforehe knew where he was putting it. He was really excited. Also, his statue looks like Captain Hook.
2) There are 21 squares in Savannah.
3) Savannah is known as “The Hostess City.” It is such a friendly hostess, that it even entertained the Yanks on General Sherman’s infamous march to the sea. The Union forces were approaching the city with 70,000 troops, with only 10,000 Confederates defending beauteous Savannah. The mayor, in a strategic business move (Savannah was a business hub in those days), marched out to meet the general and surrendered the city without a single shot having been fired. Savannah hosted Sherman’s forces as they kicked up their heels for a few months. They then went and burned Columbia, SC instead…

4) Savannah was a popular vacation spot for pirates.

5) Savannah is the nation’s 2nd most haunted city (New Orleans is the brat). There were lots of wars and other stuff…
6) Our hotel, the Planter’s Inn, was intended to be the nicest hotel when first built. But it’s by the river, so… It was the nicest brothel instead- you know, sailors…

Our first few hours in the hostess city (or as I now call it, “home”) were spent in typical fashion, pralines (pronounced prah-leens, not pray-leens) in River Street, wine and cheese at the hotel, and dinner and cocktails at the Olde Pink House. Then we ghostbusted...

A haunted pub-crawl (Cobblestone Tours), showed us around the finest imbibing establishments in the city with the scariest ghosts. Moon River Brewing Co., has a very angry Confederate ghost in the basement who I do not think knows the war is over. Or he does. Either way he is very cranky. We screamed a lot. But we found some great locales for fun!

After the tour we backtracked to Congress Street, where the sounds of a dirty bluesy band named Jubal Kane (they looked like ZZ Top) were emanating from the Mercury Lounge. Without missing a beat I walked right in and onto the dance floor to glorious domination. Caroline took a little longer to warm up. The band liked our moves so much they stopped the music and handed us a CD saying, “We like the way you rock out to our music.” Win.

There was a guy in a fedora dancing like it was his birthday. And it was! He told us that our dance party had improved his special day. A bachelorette party came in and glowered at us for dancing better than they did (suckas). And as I was cutting a rug, some guy tapped my shoulder and thrust a piece of paper in my hand, saying, “Be there," and just left. "Mysterious," I thought to myself. I glanced at thepaper briefly and threw it in my purse. After two and a half hours straight of dancing, we left the bar, only to be told by some guy “I’ve been waiting for you all night!”
Me: “You have?”
Guy: “Yeah!”
Me: “What a waste of time! You don’t even know me!”
Apparently everyone knew we were coming to town because everywhere we went that's what we heard!

The next morning at Clary’s, the best place to eat brunch in all the land (as featured in “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil,” or as Savannahians call it, “the book”), I took another look at the piece ofpaper shoved in my hand at Mercury Lounge. It was an invitation to an event called “Combat Paper,” which displayed the art of Iraq vets who had made paper out of their uniforms as a cathartic way to deal with their war experiences and transition to civilian life. Why not?

Following our ridiculous breakfast, we took a Megan-guided tour through beautiful historic Savannah (I did not get us lost and I hit all the best features, thank you very much)- the perfect setup for a trip to the picturesque Bonaventure Cemetary.

Here are some fun facts about Bonaventure Cemetery:

1) The majority of Savannah’s most famous photographs are taken here because of the quiet lanes and Spanish moss.

2) Conrad Aiken’s grave is there. His grave is a bench. You are meant to sit on the bench, gaze at the river, and bring a cocktail.You are meant to spill one on the ground for him and his family, and have some yourself. We did. I want this done for me when I kick the bucket- it’s a fabulous idea.

Eventually we made our way back to the hotel so Caroline could shower and I could partake of more complimentary wine and cheese. It was here the hotel hostess (not the concierge, the hostess- she sees that everyone has wine and cheese and serves as a one-woman welcomingcommittee and Savannah goddess) told me I would fit right in, in Savannah, as my manners were impeccable. I told her this was my dream.

Following the wine and cheese (to which a cleaner Caroline eventually made her way), we made our way over to the Combat Paper show at the Moon River Brewing Co, which made me nervous that we were going to run into that angry Confederate again. We didn’t. The event was lovely and included poetry readings and a paper exhibition by the vets, some of whom are our age. They were a really laid-back fun group, so we exchanged digits and made plans to meet up later. We had bigger fish to fry until then. Namely… Paula Deen had fish to fry at “The Lady and Sons.” And she did, and she made cocktails, and I am in love with her.

After the love fest at Paula’s we made our way to a perfect little dive called Hang Fire, where a live band with, get this- AN ORGAN- was playing, and the biggest PBRs on the planet were being served. Dance party with paper making vets ensued and an awesome party was had by all, even after I was accidentally elbowed in the face during the dance party (it got a little intense).

Brunch at Clary’s the next day involved more delicious pancakes and never-ending coffee, a perfect start to a day which included a trip to Tybee Island (pronounced Tie-bee, not Tih-bee). Tybee Island is Savannah’s answer to Coney Island, only with a clean beach and no hypodermic needles. About twenty minutes outside city limits, the sand stretches long and wide.

We later headed across the street to a bar called Benny’s, which boasted the coldest beer in America. Not only did Benny’s have cold beers, but it also had a seven year old girl in the bar heckling her father about his poor pool playing skills. She wore a swimsuit and a shirt but no pants (in all fairness the bar specified not serving you if you are shirtless- it said nothing about pants). Little girl went to the bathroom and came back in just her swimsuit, to which her father barked, “What’d ya do, crap your shirt?” After the novelty and hilarity of this wore off, we realized there was a little girl in a bar… and we left.

We headed back to historic Savannah only to learn our flight had been cancelled. Savannah clearly did not want to part with us. To behonest, the feeling was mutual, even when I realized I would have to wake up at 3:45 the following morning to catch my re-booked flight. (How do you like them apples, GI Joe?)

We spent our bonus night in style- dinner at the Olde Pink House again, where we sassed the staff, with whom we are now best friends, about the simple syrup to bourbon ratio of a mint julep. Then off to the Mercury Lounge again for some more bluegrass, this time a little more country, courtesy of Turkey Collar.
After a well-thought-out night on the town, we stumbled back to the room for our 3:45 check out and 4am cab ride. As we stepped off the curb to our airport-bound cab, we notice another passenger in the front seat. He was the cabby’s friend, there to keep him company. And who do you think this man was? The owner of the Mercury Lounge! Shwing! Bo and I talked shop for a while, and I think I made a great new friend in my new home. At the very least I can be a bouncer at the bar- I learned how to hiptoss on this trip.

And thus our adventure ended at the Savannah airport, in true adventure style. Everything was unbelievably marvelous- from seeing my beloved Jen, to summer camp and badass life skills with GI Joe, to finding my true love in the entire city of Savannah. Uncle.