NEW YORK, NY: The New Dating Etiquette (11/11/09)

The gender debate rages far and wide. Women cry that chivalry is dead, while men retort that feminism killed it. However, I think the word "chivalry" is often used in place of the word "manners." Whatever the state of chivalry, it is manners that have sadly fallen by the wayside, into a ditch, and been long beaten and forgotten.

Women are being told that men should be "gentlemen," but what is a "gentleman"? The term used to refer to a man of leisure. Let's consider the term. A man of leisure more often than not, either was dependent on, or supported the women of his family, with the interest on his trust fund. So really, ladies, if we are not seeking out a jobless, spoiled, man who lives with his mother, we have to admit that the definition has changed.

So what is a "gentleman" in today's world- where we strive to be a post-sexist society? I think the qualifications required of a "gentleman" are the same as those of a "lady" (another dubiously-defined term). That is to say, a "gentleman" or a "lady" is someone who is socially conscientious. Is a woman more likely to be impressed by a guy who keeps eye contact with her? Or a guy who throws his jacket over a puddle? Personally, I would think it weird if a guy ruined a perfectly good coat. I'm much happier when a guy isn't staring below my eyes- or trying to steal a glance (we know you are doing that). But how can we most effectively reconcile antiquated notions of social correctness with the practical concerns we have today?

Let's examine one such relic from the ancient handbook of social protocol:

Though it was devised for practical reasons at the time, the rule of "ladies first" went out with corsets, smelling salts, and the sinking of the Titanic. Nine times out of ten, when I am in an elevator at work, no man will exit the elevator until I do. It feels ridiculous (and a little offensive, frankly) that nobody can leave the elevator until the one with the XX chromosome has had the first shot. Some have dismissed my thinking as anti-chivalrous, rude, or more fodder from a feminist lack of gratitude. However, as it turns out, I am absolutely correct in thinking that this is a breach of protocol in an post-sexism society (ideologically, if not in practice). To aid us in our search for correct protocol in today's world, Emily Post has devised the list below to help us avoid being uncouth with each other.

The Finer Points of Dating Courtesy- Gender Neutral:

Holding the door: Whoever gets to the door first holds it for others.

Getting off an elevator: The person closest to the door exits first.

Helping to put on a coat: Anyone having trouble putting on a coat or sweater should receive some help, regardless of gender.

Paying for a meal: Whoever does the inviting does the paying.

Standing: Getting up to greet someone is always polite—and this is especially important when the person is elderly or is a business superior or client. It’s also the thing to do when you are being introduced to someone.

Walking on the outside: The custom of a man walking between his female companion and the street was the custom in the days when carriages splashed mud and ladies’ finery needed shielding. These days, it doesn’t matter who is walking on the street side of the sidewalk.

Shaking hands: Used to be that a man was supposed to wait for a woman to offer her hand before he extended his. Today, regardless of gender, people should shake hands upon meeting, and it doesn’t matter who puts their hand out first.

Helping to carry something: A neighbor or coworker—anyone—who is overloaded with books or packages will appreciate an offer of help from whoever is nearby.

For more tips on how you can avoid looking like a tool, please visit www.emilypost.com